Introduction: the shit-stained sepulcre

Hello.
I have a confession to make; several in fact and perhaps over the course of time they will be made. Or not. This blog is not really here to be read but to be written. By imposing upon myself a responsibility to write each week, I hope to challenge the life I live the week before. This blog represents the conversations I should be having. It is the anonymous discourse between myself and my conscience.

I am a Christian, or at least I try to be. I am also a hypocrite, which I succeed at far better. This is not a happy state of affairs.

I believe I am a Christian in my mind and in my heart, but I live with a terrible need to find affirmation through sex. I'm not an addict, I'm not a whore, I don't compulsively find strangers simply for the purpose of getting laid, but when the moment arises I don't say no. This way of living is little different from that of many other women in their twenties, thirties and older. Glamourised in Sex and the City and Friends and Cosmopolitan and all the other scapegoats for aggressive female sexuality, this has become a defensible way of enjoying the company of men. However, I don't feel I can maintain any kind of meaningful relationship with God for as long as I continue in this way.

I am open about the fact that I sin, but a shit-stained sepulcre is still a sepulcre. I make excuses: a lack of self-esteem, a need to make these men like me (not love me, because my subsequent regret is always too great a hurdle to attempt a relationship), a fear of confrontation, a lack of good friends who share my faith. But these excuses are an insipid attempt to convince myself that this is not my fault. It is. I lie to myself and I lie to God. I lie to God by crying a little, praying a little and promising not to do it again. This blog, trivial as it may seem, represents my efforts to stop lying.

This blog also represents my efforts to be held accountable. As I said before, I have no good friend, who shares my faith, with whom I can have this conversation. I am wary of searching for a particular someone to take on the responsibility of listening, supporting and advising. So I have taken this step: holding myself accountable in my own words, to my own conscience and with the knowledge that someone faceless and nameless could find these words and follow my journey; anonymously holding me accountable to this endeavour. And articulating through this my promise to God: that I will follow Him and remember Him and ultimately be held accountable to Him.

If anyone does read this - particularly evangelical types - then I do ask one thing: please don't be too damning. First of all, it's not really your position to pronounce judgement, there's someone far better placed for that. Second of all, I am fully aware of my hypocrisy. I know that I let God down and I want to change. This blog is a proactive attempt to do just that. The logic of this may be lost on some people, but if I know that I need to be honest - and this veil of anonymity will be bloody useful to achieve that aim - then I hope to challenge my actions with this responsibility. Some people wear WWJD? bracelets, others immerse themselves in a church environment and friendship group, I blog.

So here goes...