moving on
I command you - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1 v.9)
I have a new job. It's all very exciting and very very nerve-wracking. It has been a few months since I've had a job that was difficult and was genuinely interesting, which should make this a good thing. Except that I've screwed up before and I'm scared I'll screw up again.
One of my best mates has a downstairs toilet in which her Mum had put up laminated quotations and poems. I would find myself absorbed in reading the walls and the ceiling, then get embarrassed and feel I had to explain away my long absense. Like those squirmish moments in Bridget Jones without the adorable looks and ultimate happy ending. So it was from a young age that I knew the piece of wisdom:
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.
The last one is a bullshit piece of existentialist self-obsession. Living as if every day were your last would make the objective of each action yourself, your own impact upon the world and perhaps your own standing with God. One of the bravest things to do in the world - with that one life you have - is to give back and help people, without worrying that it has a large enough impact that your involvement is what people remember. There have been a thousand Mother Theresas without publicity gurus making them international icons. Which is not, incidentally, what I think Mother Theresa did want, useful as it was for finding funds and other support.
The first one is great - if you have a safe and warm somewhere to sleep, and enough food to ensure you don't die of starvation. Once these needs are met, then working like you don't need the money has a whole new meaning.
Dancing like no one is watching? Never had a problem with that one. Actually I dance like someone is always watching. It is a performance. I also walk like someone is watching. When I'm feeling lonely or self-conscious on a public street, I strut like I'm on a catwalk. It has the power to make me feel positively self-conscious. My esteem is no higher, but it looks as if it is. Similarly with the singing. If you sing as if you're not sure you should be, then people will also believe you shouldn't be. Sing with confidence and charisma, and even if it is the most appalling racket in the world, the performance will make it more than it could be.
Loving, now that's a difficult one. I have never really been hurt, not really. My first real relationship, he dumped me after 4 weeks and never had a reason. He sat for 2 hours because his friend told him he should talk to me about why and he could not come up with a reason. I got angry and said:
"Four weeks? I've had constipation for longer. And it was a hell of a lot more enjoyable when it was over."
The tears made it less sassy and cool than it could have been.
However, it did hurt. For some reason I am acutely aware of how much it could/will hurt when I have my heart truly broken. I don't understand why someone would want to stay with me, and so I don't want to risk going out with anyone because they will leave me and it will hurt.
This new job, I'm scared I will screw up again and so I'm scared to start it. Because I don't want to screw up again, last time was horrible enough. But I have to start it and I have to move on, however scary it may seem. As a very dear friend, and one of the holiest people I know, said tonight,
"God is your anchor and will be with you wherever you go. He will test you and He will continue you to test you, but He will always be with you."
Ah, the ineffable God, whose nature is so alien as to be cruel, in human terms!
It's true though.
So with logic, theology and the overwhelming desire to earn a decent wage moving me forward, how am I going to find motivation to fall in love? Is God with me on that journey too, in which case I fully expect to be tested in that area too. I'm frightened, because the way things are going at the moment, I may find myself in a mindset that would welcome a relationship. And that is the scariest challenge of all for me: beyond a new job, an empty dance floor, an open mike and even the prospect of death (because then you're not alive to nurse a broken heart), I am afraid to get my heart broken.
I have a new job. It's all very exciting and very very nerve-wracking. It has been a few months since I've had a job that was difficult and was genuinely interesting, which should make this a good thing. Except that I've screwed up before and I'm scared I'll screw up again.
One of my best mates has a downstairs toilet in which her Mum had put up laminated quotations and poems. I would find myself absorbed in reading the walls and the ceiling, then get embarrassed and feel I had to explain away my long absense. Like those squirmish moments in Bridget Jones without the adorable looks and ultimate happy ending. So it was from a young age that I knew the piece of wisdom:
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.
The last one is a bullshit piece of existentialist self-obsession. Living as if every day were your last would make the objective of each action yourself, your own impact upon the world and perhaps your own standing with God. One of the bravest things to do in the world - with that one life you have - is to give back and help people, without worrying that it has a large enough impact that your involvement is what people remember. There have been a thousand Mother Theresas without publicity gurus making them international icons. Which is not, incidentally, what I think Mother Theresa did want, useful as it was for finding funds and other support.
The first one is great - if you have a safe and warm somewhere to sleep, and enough food to ensure you don't die of starvation. Once these needs are met, then working like you don't need the money has a whole new meaning.
Dancing like no one is watching? Never had a problem with that one. Actually I dance like someone is always watching. It is a performance. I also walk like someone is watching. When I'm feeling lonely or self-conscious on a public street, I strut like I'm on a catwalk. It has the power to make me feel positively self-conscious. My esteem is no higher, but it looks as if it is. Similarly with the singing. If you sing as if you're not sure you should be, then people will also believe you shouldn't be. Sing with confidence and charisma, and even if it is the most appalling racket in the world, the performance will make it more than it could be.
Loving, now that's a difficult one. I have never really been hurt, not really. My first real relationship, he dumped me after 4 weeks and never had a reason. He sat for 2 hours because his friend told him he should talk to me about why and he could not come up with a reason. I got angry and said:
"Four weeks? I've had constipation for longer. And it was a hell of a lot more enjoyable when it was over."
The tears made it less sassy and cool than it could have been.
However, it did hurt. For some reason I am acutely aware of how much it could/will hurt when I have my heart truly broken. I don't understand why someone would want to stay with me, and so I don't want to risk going out with anyone because they will leave me and it will hurt.
This new job, I'm scared I will screw up again and so I'm scared to start it. Because I don't want to screw up again, last time was horrible enough. But I have to start it and I have to move on, however scary it may seem. As a very dear friend, and one of the holiest people I know, said tonight,
"God is your anchor and will be with you wherever you go. He will test you and He will continue you to test you, but He will always be with you."
Ah, the ineffable God, whose nature is so alien as to be cruel, in human terms!
It's true though.
So with logic, theology and the overwhelming desire to earn a decent wage moving me forward, how am I going to find motivation to fall in love? Is God with me on that journey too, in which case I fully expect to be tested in that area too. I'm frightened, because the way things are going at the moment, I may find myself in a mindset that would welcome a relationship. And that is the scariest challenge of all for me: beyond a new job, an empty dance floor, an open mike and even the prospect of death (because then you're not alive to nurse a broken heart), I am afraid to get my heart broken.
posted by from sychar to eternity at 21:54
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home