work and the power of prayer

Already my second week is over. The job is great. Not that I’ve said that out loud, there’s still the nagging fear I could lose it at any time, which is odd since I’ve never had a warning, let alone been sacked.

It is so good to have a real job again! I get to think and write and communicate and ponder and fiddle with all the Office programs I can legitimately use.

However, it is a daunting prospect. For what are probably all the wrong reasons. It is a Christian organisation and the HR department are very into the power of prayer. I am a liberal christian, which means I have an open mind in so many ways and generally defer to the Lord when I’m feeling judgemental. But I get embarrassed and righteously prudish when people spout blessings and prayers in the comfortable and easy way that most people discuss last night’s tv.

So finding out that not only was my position prayed over (and the fact I found it by pure accident is portent in itself) but that I was the only one interviewed on faith is pretty scary. I feel like Jonah on a pleasure cruise to Ninevah… I want to turn the boat around and go anywhere but. Life is that much easier when it feels like your own stupid accident and your attempts to make it ‘worthy’.

The paradox: do you believe that God has a definite plan for you and therefore focus on him to the extent that you rely on him and find a confidence rooted not in ‘self’ but in Christ? Or do you continue as you are with the hope/fear that God has a plan for you and focus on doing the best you can, taking the credit if you fail and thanking God if you succeed?

Perhaps not technically a paradox.

I may always lean towards the latter. I told a therapist (it was free) that I didn’t want to gain self-confidence because I didn’t deserve to feel that way about myself. Boo fucking hoo. If I spent as much time practising the guitar as I did feeling sorry for myself I’d be the single white female Jimi Hendrix right now.

I am, at the moment excited and pleased about my job. I hope it lasts and I hope to God that the prayers did hit their mark. All I know is I’m going to work as hard as I can. That will be my attempted testament to the power of prayer.