something on my mind

health warning: this post will be (quite) explicit

Going down, sucking off, fellatio, blow-job. However you describe the act, it never sounds pleasant. And yet it can be enjoyable and satisfying for both giver and receiver.

Why is it that euphemisms for blow-jobs usually sound so crude? Or cringeworthy, if you're reading a Mills and Boon. And she took his throbbing member into her salivating mouth.

It was this train of thought that broke my concentration during intercessions on Sunday night. It is difficult to feel prayerful when you've been doing the deed only a few hours before. Eyes closed, hands together, a calm lull over the congregation and the vivid memory pops into my head. Eyes open, hands clammy, a panicked sense that everyone else saw your unholy thoughts. Chances are that I wasn't the only one reminiscing over making her man come while the nice people pondered the persecution of Christians in China. Or I was the only lustful trollop in the congregation, which is more likely.

Setting aside the issues of married/unmarried relationships for a moment, are blow-jobs kosher?

The bible does not forbid oral sex, it doesn't encourage it, in fact the issue never arises. In churches the issue is rarely discussed outside traditional youth group conversations, where teenagers' sincere questions are often trivialised by the leaders' responsibility to toe the party line. I'm intrigued to know whether marriage counselling events that churches occasionally hold open the debate.

I think there should be a debate, or at least a more open forum to discuss it. Surely since the first cavemen fell into rivers and found washing their intimate bits got them laid more often, humans have experimented. Especially when honeymoon cystitis kicked in. Surely women mastered the art of making their men climax without risking pregnancy centuries before male scientists generously empowered them with the pill. Especially in the days when condoms were made from animal intestines. Surely, men being the depraved creatures they are, God knew they would find new places to put their cocks.

But wait, men have found new places and these are, according to the bible, "unnatural". Here, for evangelical types, is the rub.

"Natural" refers, presumably, to sexual acts that could lead to children. So unless sperm begin training to swim the channel, blow-jobs could not be described as "natural".

However, "natural" could refer to sexual acts that lead to pleasure. Not such a silly idea if you consider the mitzvah in Exodus 21 that a man has a duty to give his wife her "marital rights". Not children, but "marital rights", which many Jewish and Christian scholars have interpreted as a husband's obligation to keep his wife sexually happy. A hypothesis that in part explains the existence of the clitoris. Of course, if "natural" does refer to sexual expression, then the question of anal sex within a marriage becomes a quandary, since it is the man's prostate that makes that particular act enjoyable.

Lots of ifs (and butts) in the last few paragraphs. This was really just a development of my random thoughts last Sunday.

I suppose the reason the debate hasn't been raised in too public a forum is the danger that it might lead to accepting other forms of sexual expression. Which, as we all know, would most likely spell the downfall of the human race. That and letting a woman become Archbishop of Canterbury.

a new direction

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. (Alfred Adler)

Life has taken a new and unexpected direction. Yes, it's the boyfriend.

This is not something I factored into the equation and it's left me with some new questions to answer. First and foremost the point of this blog.

Like a smoker biding his time to quit, I skirted around the decision to make a concerted effort to control myself. A last cigarette here, an enforced hiatus there, this time it was going to be different. Actually the smoking analogy doesn't work since I fully intend to be doing as much smoking as I possibly can for the rest of my life, metaphorically speaking. Food would have to be a better comparison: bulimia, anorexia, over-eating; pick your favourite eating disorder and then learn how to eat healthily.

In my case get a boyfriend and then rethink my attitude to sex.

I like it. Many many people do. Some don't. Others haven't had the opportunity to discover how to like it, and some people will never have the chance to try.

I have never felt as comfortable with any man as I have this one. Surely this is a good start to any sexual relationship. But this brings me to my second question: can I still remain accountable when someone else is more intimately involved?

One of the reasons I wanted to challenge myself over my behaviour was my relationship with God. For some religious people that means sex only in the context of marriage. However, convincing anyone to marry you - especially if sex is on the negotiating table - is difficult enough. The chip on my shoulder was almost screaming "pieces of eight" at passers-by when I was a post-pubescent virgin. Knowing what I was missing would add a peg-leg and an eye-patch to that particular image.

I want to have sex within a healthy and happy relationship. Some marriages can't claim to be that healthy or happy, but religious doctrine gives them the divine seal of sexual approval.

Finally to my third question: is this a healthy and happy relationship? I think so, but I am also new to this. The relationship itself is still new.

I'm still afraid of screwing this up, perhaps I always will be. Perhaps everyone in any relationship, happy or not is afraid of screwing it up. Perhaps I should let go so completely that I have no energy left to be afraid.

erogenous zones that came as a surprise

How happy your men must be! How happy your officials, who continually stand before you and hear your wisdom! (1 Kings 10:8)

Five weeks ago I met up with a friend from my GAP year, hadn't seen him in 4 years, but it was as if the time between had been fleeting. We chatted, drank coffee, walked, ate pizza, drank wine, laughed, drank beer and inevitably, 10 hours after meeting up, french-kissed the entire length of Oxford Street.

However there was never any intention of us going out, we even discussed what a bad idea it would be. We met up again with a few more from the year out the next weekend and it wasn't awkward. Another random snog, with a brief venture onto second base, nothing happened, case closed.

Two weeks ago I met up with a friend and some of his friends. Of that group there was one friend, who is now my friend, to be precise, my boyfriend.

Quick turnaround, huh.

And the difference in my mind is phenomenal. For one thing we also walked the entire length of Oxford Street, but arm in arm, not lip to lip. Kissing him is not an exercise in sexual dominance, or achieving my competitive objectives. And, for the purposes of this blog, sleeping with him may become a problem.

I have never liked someone and then slept with them. It has once or twice happened the other way around. But, as with kissing my friend five weeks ago, it was usually case of doing it expecting no particular commitment or emotional interest. I am in virgin territory, if you enjoy an ironic turn of phrase.

I find it amusing that only 2 months after starting an accountability blog I find someone I really like. Directive Christian types would say that this is because I am having a closer walk with God and He is rewarding me with a man. Bullshit I would say in return, and probably reap the consequences on the day of judgement. It is wonderful though.

I don't know what to do. So I shall for the moment do nothing. Unfortunately by bringing someone else into this accountability equation the proportions are unequal. I am easily led - at least when I already know I want something!

Concerning the opening piece of scripture, I am very happy and very excited, even if my tortured psyche's self-indulgent musings tell a different story.

Regarding the title of this post, it was something I discovered 5 weeks ago and had confirmed on Wednesday: Earlobes are the new inner thigh, and far more accessible...

treated like a lady and feeling like a fraud

Food gained by fraud tastes sweet to a man, but he ends up with a mouth full of gravel (Proverbs 20:17)

I went on a real and proper grown-up date last night! With a grown-up. I even planned my outfit in advance.

Had I the time I might have found someone to teach me about the etiquette of cutlery, but as I am not a prostitute, he is not a billionaire and this is no Hollywood movie, I settled for taking time out to straighten my hair.

To cut what could be a long and rather boring story, the evening was wonderful. Dinner, the theatre and then after-show drinks were the superficial trappings; enjoyable conversation, smiles and mutual respect were what made it more than an exercise in courtship.

This guy likes me! But, more importantly, I like him and I'm not finding him unattractive because he likes me. (I know, I know, a rather dysfunctional tendency)

Of course, I can't just enjoy this. No no. I must agonise and worry and enthuse and panic. So this guy likes me, so I like him. This doesn't mean he won't take my anxious heart, rip it from my be-padded bosom, and stir-fry it in strips before my weeping eyes.

This also doesn't mean he won't decide my past is just a little too unsavoury for his liking. I don't think I give off any innocent, naive impression. In fact, I'm sure of it. But when someone compliments you in the way that this guy has, it is difficult not to feel like a fraud, masquerading as a lady.